It’s never too early to start honing essential fetch skills.

School spokesperson

In a groundbreaking move that is sure to revolutionize early childhood education, the prestigious Montessori Academy in your small town is set to introduce a brand-new program this fall: “Fetch Fundamentals.” That’s right, parents can finally breathe a sigh of relief, as the burden of teaching their child how to play fetch is about to be lifted off their weary shoulders.

According to a spokesperson for the school, “It’s never too early to start honing essential fetch skills.” While critics may scoff at the idea of a Montessori education including such a seemingly mundane activity, the school’s administration is quick to defend their decision.

As part of the program, children as young as two years old will be given the opportunity to master the art of fetching balls, frisbees, and even sticks. The school has spared no expense in creating an environment that fosters optimal fetch development, complete with state-of-the-art doggie playgrounds and custom-made fetching apparatuses.

To give parents a taste of what to expect, the school has released a brochure detailing the various aspects of the Fetch Fundamentals program. Here are just a few of the highlights:

• “Barkitecture” – a class where the children will learn the basics of building dog houses, complete with miniaturized power tools and safety goggles.
• “Fluff Fit” – a fitness class where students will engage in rigorous exercises to improve their speed and agility, ensuring they can outrun even the most determined Golden Retrievers.
• “Celebdog Spotting” – a field trip to the local dog park, where children will learn to recognize and identify famous dog breeds.

Of course, no program would be complete without a star-studded lineup of guest speakers. Renowned dog trainer and “fetch guru” Sarah Jessica Barker has been roped in to share her expertise with the young fetch enthusiasts. Rumor has it that even the legendary dog whisperer himself, Jude Paw, will make a surprise appearance.

The introduction of the Fetch Fundamentals program has undoubtedly sparked a nationwide conversation about the importance of fetch in early childhood education. Critics may say that it’s just a ploy to increase enrollment, but we say, who cares? If we can raise a generation of children who excel at fetching, imagine the possibilities. Dog shows. Olympic fetch events. The next step in human evolution.

So, parents, rejoice! The burden of teaching your child how to play fetch has finally been lifted. And who knows, maybe one day your little one will become the next Lab-ron James, thanks to their impeccable fetch skills. The future is bright, indeed.